Scott Sampson

Check your email addresses!

A Min­neapolis couple decided to go to Flor­ida to thaw out dur­ing a par­tic­u­larly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their hon­ey­moon 20 years earlier.
Because of hec­tic sched­ules, it was dif­fi­cult to coordin­ate their travel plans.…
So, the hus­band left Min­nesota and flew to Flor­ida on Thursday, with his wife fly­ing down the fol­low­ing day.
The hus­band checked into the hotel.
There was a com­puter in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
How­ever, he acci­dent­ally left out one let­ter in her email address, and without real­iz­ing his error, sent the email.
Mean­while, some­where in Hou­s­ton, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral.
He was a min­is­ter who was called home to glory fol­low­ing a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expect­ing mes­sages from rel­at­ives and friends.
After read­ing the first mes­sage, she screamed and fain­ted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the com­puter screen which read:

To: My lov­ing wife

Sub­ject: I’ve arrived Date: May 9^th, 2005

I know you’re sur­prised to hear from me. They have com­puters here

now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been pre­pared for your arrival tomor­row. Look­ing for­ward to see­ing you then.

Hope your jour­ney is as unevent­ful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freak­ing hot down here!!!!!

Revenge!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women dif­fer so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:…

One even­ing last week, my girl­friend and I were get­ting into bed.

Well, the pas­sion starts to heat up, and she even­tu­ally says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said, “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boy­friend on the planet dreads to hear…

“You’re just not in touch with my emo­tional needs as a woman enough for me to sat­isfy your phys­ical needs as a man.”

She respon­ded to my puzzled look by say­ing, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Real­iz­ing that noth­ing was going to hap­pen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shop­ping at a big, big unnamed depart­ment store. I walked around with her while she tried on sev­eral dif­fer­ent very expens­ive outfits.

She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to com­pli­ment her new clothes, so I said, “Lets get a pair for each outfit.”

We went on to the jew­ellery depart­ment where she picked out a pair of dia­mond earrings.

Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I star­ted to think she was test­ing me because she asked for a ten­nis brace­let when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”

She was almost near­ing sexual sat­is­fac­tion from all of the excitement.

Smil­ing with excited anti­cip­a­tion, she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly con­tain myself when I blur­ted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face just went com­pletely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT?”

I then said, “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my fin­an­cial needs as a man enough for me to sat­isfy your shop­ping needs as a woman.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Appar­ently I’m not hav­ing sex tonight either.… but at least she knows I’m smarter than her.

Dear John…

A Mar­ine sta­tioned in Afgh­anistan recently received a “Dear John” let­ter from his girl­friend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,…

I can no longer con­tinue our rela­tion­ship. The dis­tance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the pic­ture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky

The Mar­ine, with hurt feel­ings, asked his fel­low Mar­ines for any snap­shots they could spare of their girl­friends, sis­ters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cous­ins etc. In addi­tion to the pic­ture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pic­tures of the pretty girls he had col­lec­ted from his buddies.

There were 57 pho­tos in that envelope.…along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I’m so sorry, but I can’t quite remem­ber who you are. Please take your pic­ture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky 

Inter­est­ing family…

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bar­tender, “Give me six double vodka.”
The bar­man says, “Wow! you must have had very bad day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.…
When the bar­tender asked what the prob­lem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vod­kas.
The bar­tender said, “What the hell? Doesn’t any­body in your fam­ily like women?”

“Yes, my wife…”

Aus­tralian Ventriloquist

An Aus­tralian vent­ri­lo­quist vis­it­ing New Zea­l­and, walks into the vil­lage and sees a local sit­ting on his porch pat­ting his dog. He fig­ures he’ll have a little fun.

Vent­ri­lo­quist: “G’day Mate! Good look­ing dog, mind if I speak to him?”

Vil­la­ger: “The dog doesn’t talk, you stu­pid Aussie.”… 

Vent­ri­lo­quist: “Hello dog, how’s it going mate?”

Dog: “Doin’ all right.”

Vil­la­ger: (look of extreme shock)

Vent­ri­lo­quist: “Is this vil­la­ger your owner?” (point­ing at the villager)

Dog: “Yes”

Vent­ri­lo­quist: “How does he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Vil­la­ger: (look of utter disbelief)

Vent­ri­lo­quist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Vil­la­ger: “Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either….I think.”

Vent­ri­lo­quist: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”

Horse: “Cool”

Vil­la­ger: (abso­lutely dumbfounded)

Vent­ri­lo­quist: “Is this your owner?” (point­ing at the villager)

Horse: “Yep”

Vent­ri­lo­quist: “How does he treat you?”

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for ask­ing. He rides me reg­u­larly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to pro­tect me from the elements.”

Vil­la­ger: (total look of amazement)

Vent­ri­lo­quist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Vil­la­ger: “The sheep’s a liar!” 

T.G.I.F

A busi­ness man got on an elev­ator in a build­ing. When he entered the elev­ator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by say­ing, “T-G-I-F.”

He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T.”

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, “T-G-I-F” again.…

He acknow­ledged her remark again by answer­ing, “S-H-I-T.”

The blond was try­ing to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as pos­sibly “T-G-I-F” another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quiz­zical expres­sion, “S-H-I-T.”

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, “T-G-I-F, Thank Good­ness It’s Fri­day, get it?”

The man answered, “Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.”

Bit of a situation…

The doc­tor says to a man “I’m sorry, sir, but the test res­ults have come back a tad incon­clus­ive. Your wife could have either AIDs or Alzheimer’s. We’re not sure which”.

The man replies, “Oh my God! That’s awful! What should I do?”

The doc­tor says, “Take her down into the city centre and leave her there. If she finds her way back, don’t fuck her!”… See more

The Genie

A couple was golf­ing one day on a very, very exclus­ive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.

On the third tee, the hus­band said, “Honey, be very care­ful when you drive the ball. Don’t knock out any win­dows. It’ll cost us a for­tune to fix.”

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the win­dow of the biggest house on the course. … 

The hus­band cringed and said, “I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let’s go up there, apo­lo­gize, and see how much this is going to cost.”

They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, “Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, “Are you the people who broke my window?”

“Uh, yeah. Sorry about that,” the hus­band replied.

“No, actu­ally, I want to thank you. I’m a genie who was trapped for a thou­sand years inside that bottle. You’ve released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes — I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.”

“Okay, great!” the hus­band said. “I want a mil­lion dol­lars a year for the rest of my life.”

“No prob­lem — it’s the least I could do. And you, what do you want?” the genie said, look­ing at the wife.

“I want a house in every coun­try of the world,” she said.

“Con­sider it done,” the genie replied.

“And what’s your wish, genie?”, the hus­band said.

“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex with a woman in a thou­sand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”

The hus­band looked at the wife and said, “Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don’t care.”

The genie took the wife upstairs and rav­ished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, “How old is your hus­band, anyway?”

“Thirty-five,” she replied.

“And he still believes in genies? … That’s amazing.”

O.A.P Sex

Two old pen­sion­ers are tak­ing a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sit­ting at a café, the little old man says, “Remem­ber the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind.”

“Why, yes, I remem­ber it well, dear,” replies the little old lady with a grin. … 

“Well, for old time’s sake, let’s go there again. and I’ll give you one from behind.”

The two pen­sion­ers pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sit­ting next to them has over­heard the con­ver­sa­tion and smiles to him­self, think­ing it would be quite amus­ing to see two old pen­sion­ers at it. He gets up and fol­lows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pen­sion­ers near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knick­ers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady’s hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what fol­lows is 40 minutes of the most ath­letic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phe­nom­enal. Limbs are fly­ing every­where, the move­ment is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they col­lapse and don’t move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen any­thing that equates to this — not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflect­ing on what he has just seen, he says to him­self, “I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years’ time!”

The two old pen­sion­ers have by this time recovered and dressed them­selves. Pluck­ing up cour­age, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, “Sir, in all my life I have never seen any­body shag like that, par­tic­u­larly at your age. What’s your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?”

The pen­sioner replies, “Son, 50 years ago, that fuck­ing fence wasn’t electrified.”

Gum Job?

A young teen­aged girl was a pros­ti­tute and, for obvi­ous reas­ons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arres­ted a group of pros­ti­tutes, includ­ing the young girl. The pros­ti­tutes were instruc­ted to line up in a straight line on the side­walk. Well, who should be walk­ing in the neigh­bor­hood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young grand­daugh­ter and asked curi­ously, “What are you lin­ing up for, dear?” Not will­ing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lin­ing up for some.

“Mmm, sounds lovely,” said Grandma. “I think I’ll have some myself,” she con­tin­ued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, ques­tion­ing all of the pros­ti­tutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. “But you’re so old… how do you do it?”… 

Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s quite easy, sonny… I just remove my den­tures and suck ‘em dry!”

Feel a little prick…

Little Mary was not the best stu­dent in Sunday School. Usu­ally she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was nap­ping, ”Tell me, Mary, who cre­ated the uni­verse?” When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altru­istic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ”God Almighty !” shouted … See more­Mary and the teacher said, ”Very good” and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ”Who is our Lord and Savior?” But Mary didn’t even stir from her slum­ber. Once again, Johnny came to the res­cue and stuck her again. ”Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, ”Very good,” and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third ques­tion, ”What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ”If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!” The Teacher fainted.

The vir­gin brides…

A Mother had three vir­gin daugh­ters. They were all get­ting mar­ried, and mom was a bit wor­ried about how their sex life would get star­ted. She made them all prom­ise to send a post­card from the hon­ey­moon with a few words on how mar­ital sex was going.

The first daugh­ter sent a card from her hon­ey­moon in Hawaii two days after the wed­ding. The card said noth­ing but “Nes­cafe”. At first mom was puzzled, but she went to the kit­chen and got out the Nes­cafe jar. It said: “Good til the last drop.” Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent her card from Ver­mont a week after the wed­ding. The card said only: “Ben­son & Hedges”. Mom went to the drawer where her hus­band kept his cigar­ettes, and she read from the Ben­son & Hedges pack: “Extra Long. King Size”. Again mom was slightly embar­rassed, but she was happy for her daughter.… 

The third girl left for her hon­ey­moon in the Carib­bean. Mom waited for a week, noth­ing. Another week went by and still noth­ing. Mom star­ted to get really wor­ried. Then after a month, the card finally arrived. Writ­ten on it with shaky hand writ­ing were the words “Brit­ish Airways”.

Mom took out her latest Harp­ers Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fear­ing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said: “Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.”

Mom fain­ted .… 

Bad Memory…

Two eld­erly couples were enjoy­ing friendly con­ver­sa­tion when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”

“Out­stand­ing,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psy­cho­lo­gical tech­niques — visu­al­iz­a­tion, asso­ci­ation — it’s made a big dif­fer­ence for me.”

“That’s great! What… was the name of that clinic?“
Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn’t remem­ber. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?”

“You mean a tulip?”

“No. The one with thorns on it.“
“A Rose ?“
“Yes, that’s it!” He turned to his wife. “Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic I went to ?”

Con­doms

Father and son in super­mar­ket.
“Dad. what are these?”

“That’s a 3 pack of con­doms son for sec­ond­ary school lads.
1 for fri­day night, 1 for sat­urday night and 1 for sunday night”

“What about the 6 pack dad?”

“Those are for uni­ver­sity lads.

2 for fri­day night, 2 for sat­urday night and 2 for sunday night.”

“Well dad. What about the 12 pack then?”

“Mar­ried men son.… 1 for janu­ary, 1 for feb­ru­ary, 1 for march .…

Who said dogs are dumb?

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faith­ful pet dog along for com­pany. One day the dog starts chas­ing but­ter­flies and before long he dis­cov­ers that he is lost. So, wan­der­ing about he notices a leo­pard head­ing rap­idly in his dir­ec­tion with the obvi­ous inten­tion of hav­ing lunch.
The dog thinks, “Boyo, I’m in deep s**t .” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and imme­di­ately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approach­ing cat.

Just as the leo­pard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, “Man, that was one deli­cious leo­pard. I won­der if there are any more around here?”

Hear­ing this the leo­pard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of ter­ror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew”, says the leo­pard. “That was close. That dog nearly had me.”

Mean­while, a mon­key who had been watch­ing the whole scene from a nearby tree, fig­ures he can put this know­ledge to good use and trade it for pro­tec­tion from the leo­pard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him head­ing after the leo­pard with great speed, and figured that some­thing must be up.

The mon­key soon catches up with the leo­pard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for him­self with the leo­pard. The cat is furi­ous at being made a fool of and says, “Here mon­key, hop on my back and see what’s going to hap­pen to that con­niv­ing canine.”

Now the dog sees the leo­pard com­ing with the mon­key on his back, and thinks,” What am I going to do now?” But instead of run­ning, the dog sits down with his back to his attack­ers pre­tend­ing he hasn’t seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, “Where’s that mon­key. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leo­pard, and he’s still not back!!”

Law­yers…

An old man lying on his deathbed sum­mond his doc­tor, law­yer and his priest. He handed each of them an envel­ope con­tain­ing $30,000. “Gen­tle­men, they say you can’t take it with you but I am going to try. When they lower my cas­ket into the ground I want each of you to toss in the envel­ope I gave you.“
After the funeral the doc­tor con­fessed to the other two “We needed money to build a new clinic, so I kept $20,000 and only threw in $10,000.” The Priest also con­fessed “We needed renov­a­tions at the the church so I kept $10,000 and only threw in $20,000.“
The law­yer shook his head in dis­gust. “Gen­tle­men I am ashamed of you…I threw in a cheque for the full amount”

Pizza?

A col­lege stu­dent was deliv­er­ing pizza to a reg­u­lar customer”s house in New York. The guy who answered the door asked him, “What is the usual tip?”

“Well,” replied the youth,“this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I”ll be doing great.”

“Is that so?” snorted the man. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here”s five dollars.”

“Thanks!” replied the youth, “I”ll put this in my school fund.”

“What are you study­ing?” asked the man.

The lad smiled and said: “Applied psychology.”

Sus­pi­cious Minds…

Some­times women are overly sus­pi­cious of their hus­bands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
“You’re run­ning around with other women,” she charged.
“You’re being unreas­on­able,” Adam respon­ded. “You’re the only woman on earth.“
The quar­rel con­tin­ued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone pok­ing him in the chest. It was Eve.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam deman­ded.
“Count­ing your ribs!”

Pay­ment…

A hus­band is watch­ing footie when his wife inter­rupts, “Honey, the hall­way light has been flick­er­ing for weeks. Can you fix it?”

He angrily looks at her and says, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E Logo prin­ted on my fore­head? I don’t think so!”

“Well, what about the fridge door. It doesn’t close right” 

“Fix the Fridge Door??? Does it look like I have West­ing­house writ­ten on my fore­head? I don’t think so!”

“Ok”, she says, “then you could at least fix the front door steps. They’re about to break.”

“I ain’t no damn Car­penter and I don’t wanna fix any steps,” he says. “Does it look like I’ve got ACE hard­ware writ­ten on my fore­head? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough. I’m off to the bar!”

After a couple of hours at the local, he feels guilty and decides to go home and make up with his wife. As he walks up to the house he notice the steps are fixed. As he goes into the house he sess the hall light is work­ing, and as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.”

“Darling, how’d you get all this fixed?”

She replies: “Well, after you left I was sit­ting out­side cry­ing when a nice young man asked what was wrong. I told him, he offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was to either bake a cake or go to bed with him.”

He said, “So, what kind of cake did you bake him?”

She replied, “Helllllloooooo.……Do you see Betty Crocker writ­ten on my forehead?”

Magic Mir­ror

There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.

If you told a lie it would suck you in.

One day a bru­nette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mir­ror and said ‘I think I’m the most beau­ti­ful woman in the world’ and it sucked her in. 

The next day a red­head walked into the bar. She walked up to the mir­ror and said ‘I think I’m the most beau­ti­ful woman in the world’ and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mir­ror and said ‘I think…’ and it sucked her in. 

Women can be devious…

A woman and a man get into a car acci­dent, and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demol­ished, but amaz­ingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man. That’s inter­est­ing. I’m a woman… Wow! Just look at our cars. There’s noth­ing left, but for­tu­nately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”

The man replied,” I agree with you com­pletely; this must be a sign from God!”

The woman con­tin­ued, “And look at this — here’s another mir­acle. My car is com­pletely demol­ished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and cel­eb­rate our good for­tune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agree­ment, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hand­ing it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, imme­di­ately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you hav­ing any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I will just wait for the police…”

Damn Kids…

A woman and her lover are in the house while the hus­band is at work. Her nine year old son comes in, and after see­ing them mak­ing love he hides in the ward­robe and watches them. All of a sud­den the hus­band comes. Wife hides her lover in the ward­robe, without know­ing that her son is in there. Boy:
– It’s dark here.
– Yes it is.
– I’ve got a soc­cer ball.
– That’s nice.… See more
– Do you want to buy it?
– No, thanks.
– My dad is out­side.
– Ok, how much?
– 250 dol­lars.
After a few weeks man and boy run into each other again in the ward­robe. Boy:
– It’s dark here.
– Yes it is.
– I’ve got a soc­cer cleats.
Remem­ber­ing what happened last time, man asks:
– How much?
– 750 dol­lars.
– Ok.
After few days, father says to his son:
– Lets go and play soc­cer.
– I can’t, I sold the ball and the cleats.
– How much did you get?
– 1000 dol­lars.
– That is ter­rible, how could you ask so much money.… that’s much more than they are worth. That’s a sin, so you should go to the church and con­fess.
Father takes his son to the church con­fes­sional. Boy gets in, closes the door and says:
– It’s dark here.
Priest:
– Don’t start with that shit again!!!

Most import­ant man…

The Pope was on his way to open a new cathed­ral in Manchester; the limo driver was tak­ing it easy and the Pope was get­ting con­cerned about the time, so he decided they should switch seats. With the driver now in the back and the Pope behind the wheel his holi­ness puts his foot down.

Two Motor­cycle cops see this Limo zoom past and instantly go in pur­suit, the first Police­man rides past the tin­ted win­dows up to the pas­sen­ger win­dow, he looks in and slams his brakes on.
The limo car­ries on speed­ing away.

“Fuck me, I nearly pulled over the most import­ant man in the world!” The first cop said over the radio.
“Who was it?” asked the second cop.
To which the first cop replied; “I dunno, but the Pope was driv­ing him!“ 

Find God?

A drunk stumbles along a Bap­tis­mal ser­vice on a Sunday after­noon
down by the river. He pro­ceeds to stumble down into the water and
stands next to the Minister.

The Min­is­ter turns, notices the old drunk and says, “Mis­ter, are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk looks back and says, “Yes sir, I am.”

The Min­is­ter then dunks the fel­low under the water and pulls him
right back up.

“Have you found Jesus?” the Min­is­ter asked.

“No, I didn’t!” said the drunk.

The Min­is­ter then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings
him up and says, “Now brother, have you found Jesus?”

“No, I did not!” said the drunk again.

Dis­gus­ted, the Min­is­ter holds the man under for at least 30
seconds this time, brings him up and demands, “For the grace of
God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??”

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, “Are you sure this is
where he fell in?”

The Hair-dryer…

A dis­tin­guished young woman on a flight from Ire­land asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course child. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expens­ive woman’s elec­tronic hair dryer for my Mother’s birth­day that is unopened and well over the Cus­toms lim­its, and I’m afraid they’ll con­fis­cate it. Is there any way you could carry it through cus­toms for me? Under your robes perhaps?” 

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your hon­est face, Father, no one will ques­tion you.”

When they got to Cus­toms, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The offi­cial asked, “Father, do you have any­thing to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have noth­ing to declare.”

The offi­cial thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a mar­velous instru­ment designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roar­ing with laughter, the offi­cial said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”

Magic Apples?

A young fel­low ran into an old man who was car­ring a bag.

“What’s in the bag?” the young­ster asked.

“magic apples”, the old man replied.

“Prove it”, said the young man.

“Well, besides apples, what is your favor­ite two fruits?” asked the old man.

“Water­melon and peaches”, he answered.

The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a water­melon. “Ok, turn it over”, he said.

The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.

The young­ster still wasn’t con­vinced that they were magic.

The old fel­low told him to name some­thing else that he liked to eat.

“I like to eat pussy.” he snapped.

The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.

He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, “That tasted like shit”.

The old man looked at him, smiled and said, “Turn it over.”

Kid­nap?

A blonde is out of money and (after buy­ing air at a real bar­gain) needed money des­per­ately. To get some cash, she decided to kid­nap a kid and hold him for ransom just like in Hol­ly­wood movies.

She went to a play­ground, grabbed a kid ran­domly, and told the kid, “I’ve kid­napped you.” She then wrote a big note say­ing, “I’ve kid­napped your kid. Tomor­row morn­ing, put $10,000 in a bag and leave it under the mango tree next to the play­ground. Signed, A naughty blonde.”

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his par­ents. The next morn­ing, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sit­ting beneath the mango tree.

The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fel­low blonde?”

In the recent vein of odd and silly posts, here’s another one for you.

The fam­ous speaker who no one had heard of said:
Ladies and jelly­spoons, hobos and tramps,
cross-eyed mos­qui­tos and bow-legged ants,
I stand before you to sit behind you
to tell you some­thing I know noth­ing about.
Next Thursday, which is Good Friday,there’s a Mother’s Day meet­ing for fath­ers only;
wear your best clothes if you haven’t any.Please come if you can’t;
if you can, stay at home.
Admis­sion is free, pay at the door;
pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
It makes no dif­fer­ence where you sit,the man in the gallery’s sure to spit.
The show is over, but before you go,let me tell you a story I don’t really know.
One bright day in the middle of the night,
two dead boys got up to fight.
(The blind man went to see fair play; the mute man went to shout “hoo­ray!”)
Back to back they faced each other,drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf police­man heard the noise,
and came and killed the two dead boys.
A para­lysed don­key passing by
kicked the blind man in the eye;
knocked him through a nine-inch wall,
into a dry ditch and drowned them all.
If you don’t believe this lie is true,
ask the blind man; he saw it too,
through a knothole in a wooden brick wall.
And the man with no legs walked away. 

Another one:

One midsummer’s night in winter
The snow was rain­ing fast,
A bare-footed girl with clogs on
Stood sit­ting on the grass. 

and

I went to the pic­tures tomor­row
I took a front seat in the back,
I fell from the pit to the gal­lery
And broke a front bone in my back.
A lady she gave me some chocol­ate,
I ate it and gave it her back.
I phoned for a taxi and walked it,
And that’s why I never came back. 

Here’s another:

’Tis mid­night and the set­ting sun
Is slowly rising in the west.
The rapid rivers slowly run.
The frog is on his downy nest.
The pens­ive goat and sport­ive cow,
Hil­ari­ous, leap from bough to bough. 

And another:

While on a Thursday morn­ing, one Sunday night,
I saw, ten thou­sand miles away, a house just out of sight.
Its walls reflec­ted inward, its front was at its back.
It stood alone between two more
and its walls were white­wash black. 

Oh lord…

On the Ning Nang Nong
Where the Cows go Bong!
and the mon­keys all say BOO!
There’s a Nong Nang Ning
Where the trees go Ping!
And the tea pots jib­ber jab­ber joo.
On the Nong Ning Nang
All the mice go Clang
And you just can’t catch ‘em when they do!
So its Ning Nang Nong
Cows go Bong!
Nong Nang Ning
Trees go ping
Nong Ning Nang
The mice go Clang
What a noisy place to belong
is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!! 

And my favour­ite of all time…

There was a baboon
Who one after­noon
Said I think I will fly to the sun
So with great palms
strapped to his arms
he star­ted he takeoff run

Mile after mile
He gal­loped in style
But never once left the ground
You’re going too slow said a passing crow
Try reach­ing the speed ofsound

SO
he put on a spurt
My God how it hurt
both the soles of his feet caught on fire
As he went through a stream
There were great clouds of steam
Buthe never got any higher

On and on through the night
both his knees caught alight
clouds of smoke bil­lowed out of his rear!!!
Quick to his aid
Were the fire bri­gade
They chased him for over a year

Many moons passed by
Did Baboon ever fly
Did he ever get to the sun
I’ve just heard today,
he’s well on his way
He’ll be passing through Acton at one.

PS — well, what do you expect from a baboon 

Hav­ing recently switched to Linux (Ubuntu to be spe­cific) from Win­dows, I thought I’d share some of my favour­ite applic­a­tions with you.

Some of these have come from hardened Linux users that I know (Cheers !b, Cheers Ben), whilst oth­ers I’ve dis­covered through trial and error.

Firstly, and prob­ably my favour­ite app, you have Guake. It’s a drop down ter­minal win­dow in the style  of the game quake (hence the name), which is avail­able at the touch of a but­ton (F12 by default), and it also keeps your ses­sion per­sist­ent, which comes in handy. It sup­ports mul­tiple tabs, which again is a handy fea­ture if you do a lot of com­mand line work. My only com­plaint with Guake, is it doesn’t have the option to start auto­mat­ic­ally as default, how­ever this is eas­ily rec­ti­fied by adding a com­mand in the Sessions/Start-up applic­a­tions sec­tion of the Sys­tem > Admin :)

Next, we have Geany. It’s a text editor/developers note­pad, with some pretty handy fea­tures like syn­tax high­light­ing, tag com­ple­tion etc. Small foot­print, fast load­ing, ideal for php, html, python etc.

Next, there’s DeVeDe. It’s an applic­a­tion for cre­at­ing DVD image files from avi/mp4 etc, which can then be burnt using your favour­ite disc writ­ing program.

Next up comes Song­bird. A music player, with integ­rated web browser based on the moz­illa engine. I don’t use the browser per­son­ally, but the music inter­face is by far the best I’ve dis­covered. Clean, cus­tom­is­able and fast load­ing. Infin­itely bet­ter than the default Ubuntu player RhythmBox.

Next up — aMSN. It’s a win­dows live mes­sen­ger clone for linux, with all the fea­tures of WLM (plus many more), in a famil­iar interface.

Finally, we have Screen­lets. Think Win­dows Vista side­bar wid­gets, but with more class and style.

This is by no means an exhaust­ive list, but it’s enough to get any­one star­ted. I’ll be expand­ing this list over the com­ing months as I delve deeper into the world of Ubuntu.

In the con­tinu­ing vein of odd and ran­dom posts, here’s a col­lec­tion of “altern­at­ive” nurs­ery rhymes.

Old mother Hub­bard, went to the cup­board, to fetch her poor doggy a bone.
When she bent down, the doggy came round, and gave her a bone of his own

Old mother Hub­bard, went to the cup­board to get a bone for her big doggy Fred.
When she got there, the cup­board was bare, so he ate mother Hub­bard instead

Little Miss Muf­fet sat on a tuf­fet, her knick­ers all tattered and torn.
It wasn’t the spider that sat down beside her, it was little boy blue with the horn!

Little Miss Muf­fet sat on a tuf­fet, her legs spread invit­ingly apart.
Along came a spider, who crawled up inside her, and got poisoned to death by a fart.

Georgey Porgey, pud­ding and pie, kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play, he kissed them too cos he was gay.

Little Bo Peep has lost all her sheep, no won­der the poor chick looks wor­ried.
They’ve all wandered in to a take away joint, and the owner’s just had them all curried!

Jack and jill went up the hill,
to smoke some marajuana,
jack got high,
pulled down his fly,
and asked jill if she wanna.
jill said yes,
pulled up her dress,
and had a little fun,
but stu­pid jill,
for­got the pill,
and now they have a son.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water;
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tum­bling after.
Jill sued Jack and Jack sued back,
The judge is going to fine her;
Now the pail’s been sent to jail
For abandon­ing a minor.
We’ll sue Jack and he’ll sue Jill,
The hill is suing for scan­dal;
The water says he’ll sue the press –
And everyone’s suing the handle.

Mary had a little lamb, it’s fleece was black as char­coal.
Every time the wind blew hard, it whistled up it’s arsehole

Mary had a little lamb, she took it to a wed­ding.
She put it up against the wall, and kicked it’s fuck­ing head in.

Mary had a little lamb, but her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her, between to slices of bread.

Mary had a motor­bike, she rode it on the grass.
Every time the wheel went round, the spokes went up her arse.

Mary had a motor­bike, she rode it back to front.
Every time the wheel went round, the spokes.… dug in her leg

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs
Mary had another skirt
’twas split right up the front
…but she didn’t wear that one very often

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Dis­ease
And now it’s black and crispy.

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The struc­ture of the wall was incor­rect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bed­side clock..
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of elec­tric shock.

It’s Rain­ing, It’s Pour­ing.
Oh shit, it’s Global Warming.

Mary Mary, quite con­trary, how does your garden grow?
“Like every­one else’s you cunt, fuck off!”

Hick­ory Dick­ory Dock, the mouse ran up the clock. The clock struck one, BONG, and knocked the fuck­ing mouses head off!

Anti-Social Beha­viour Orders
To the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
ASBO, ASBO, little law,
How we won­der what you’re for,
Chavs and yobs who love to fight
Ter­ror­ise us every night.
Tooth­less, use­less, little law,
How we won­der what you’re for.
On the streets with hoods and knives,
How they ter­ror­ise our lives,
Though they all should be in bed,
All you do is boost their cred.
ASBO, ASBO, can’t you see
You are an access­ory.
ASBO, ASBO, little law,
How we won­der what you’re for,
Words will never rule the street,
We need cop­pers on the beat.
Tooth­less, use­less, little law,
How we won­der what you’re for

In light of a recent con­ver­sa­tion, I thought I’d post these here for those that don’t know them.

As far as I’m aware, and have been able to find out, this list is com­plete. If I have missed any, feel free to point them out, and I’ll add them.

smile 

:-) :) :] =) 

frown 

:-( :( :[ =( 

tongue 

:-P :P :-p :p =P 

grin 

:-D :D =D 

gasp 

:-O :O :-o :o 

wink 

;-) ;)

glasses 

8-) 8) B-) B) 

sunglasses 

8-| 8| B-| B| 

grumpy 

>:( >:-(

unsure 

:/ :-/ :\ :-\ 

cry 

:’(

devil 

3:) 3:-)

angel 

O:) O:-)

kiss 

:-* :*

heart 

<3

kiki 

^_^

squint 

–_–

confused 

o.O O.o

upset 

>:O >:-O >:o >:-o 

pacman 

:v

curly lips 

:3

robot 

:|]

Chris Putnam 

:put­nam:

Shark 

(^^^)

Penguin 

<(“)

Couple of extra bits:

Under­lined text: _text_

Bold text: *text*

A| B| C| D| E| F| G| H| I| J| K| L| M| N| O| P| Q| R| S| T| U| V| W| Y| Z| SYMBOLS and NUMBERS|

AAK: Asleep At Key­board
AAMOF: As A Mat­ter Of Fact
AAR/AAR8: At Any Rate
AAS: Alive And Smil­ing
AATK: Always At The Key­board
ABT2: About To
ACK: Acknow­ledge
ADAD: Another Day Another Dol­lar
ADIP: Another Day In Para­dise
ADN: Any Day Now
AEAP: As Early As Pos­sible
AFAIK: As Far As I Know
AFAIC: As Far As I’m Con­cerned
AFK: Away From Key­board
AFPOE: A Fresh Pair Of Eyes
AIAMU: And I’m A Monkey’s Uncle
AKA or a.k.a:. Also Known As
ANFSCD: And Now For Some­thing Com­pletely Dif­fer­ent
AOAS: All Of A Sud­den
ASAP: As Soon As Pos­sible
ATM: At The Moment
AWLTP: Avoid­ing Work Like The Plague
AWOL: Absent Without Leave
AYC: Aren’t You Clever
AYK: As You Know
AYSOS: Are You Stu­pid Or Some­thing
AYTMTB: And You’re Telling Me This Because

B/C: Because
B: Back
B4: Before
B4N: Bye For Now
B4U: Before You
B4YKI: Before You Know It
BAK: Back At Key­board
BAU: Busi­ness As Usual
BB: Be Back
BB4N: Bye-Bye for Now
BBIAF: Be Back In A Flash
BBL: Be Back Later
BBS: Be Back Soon
BC: Because
BCNU: Be See­ing’ You
BDC: Big Dumb Com­pany or Big Dot Com
BEG: Big Evil Grin
BFF: Best Friends Forever
BFN: Bye For Now
BFO: Blind­ing Flash of the Obvi­ous
BG: Big Grin
BHOF: Bald Headed Old Fart
BICBW: But I Could Be Wrong
BIF: Before I For­get
BION: Believe It Or Not
BKA: Bet­ter Known As
BL: Belly Laugh
BMG: Be My Guest
BOTOH: But On The Other Hand
BR: Bath­room
BRB: Be Right Back
BRT: Be Right There
BSBD&NE: Book Smart, Brain Dead & No Exper­i­ence
BTA: But Then Again
BTDT: Been There, Done That
BTW: By The Way
BTWBO: Be There With Bells On
BW: Best Wishes
BYKT: But You Knew That
BYOA: Bring Your Own Advil

C/S: Change of Sub­ject
C&G: Chuckle And Grin
CAAC: Cool As A Cucum­ber
CB: Cof­fee Break
CFN: Ciao For Now
CID: Con­sider It Done
CMIW: Cor­rect Me if I’m Wrong
CRB: Come Right Back
CRBT: Cry­ing Real Big Tears
CTRN: Can’t Talk Right Now
CU: See You
CUL or CUL8R: See You Later
CYA: See Ya
CYL: See You Later
CYM: Check Your Mail

DGA: Don’t Go Any­where
DGT: Don’t Go There
DHTB: Don’t Have The Band­width
DHYB: Don’t Hold Your Breath
DIKU: Do I Know You
DIY: Do It Your­self
DKDC: Don’t Know Don’t Care
DL: Down­load or Dead Link
DOE: Depends On Exper­i­ence
DOS: Doz­ing Off Soon
DQMOT: Don’t Quote Me On This
DQYDJ: Don’t Quit Your Day Job
DWB: Don’t Write Back
DWBH: Don’t Worry Be Happy
DYOH: Do Your Own Homework

EBKAC: Error Between Key­board And Chair
EMSG: E-Mail Mes­sage
EOD: End Of Day
EOM: End Of Mes­sage
ESO: Equip­ment Smarter than Oper­ator
ETA: Estim­ated Time of Arrival
EZ: Easy

F2F: Face-to-Face
FAB: Fea­tures Attrib­utes Bene­fits
FAQ: Fre­quently Asked Ques­tions
FC: Fin­gers Crossed
FITB: Fill In The Blank
FOAF: Friend Of A Friend
FOC: Free of Charge
FSR: For Some Reason
FTASB: Faster Than A Speed­ing Bul­let
FTBOMH: From The Bot­tom Of My Heart
FWD: For­ward
FWIW: For What It’s Worth
FYA: For Your Amuse­ment
FYI: For Your Information

G2G: Got To Go
GA: Go Ahead
GAL: Get A Life
GALGAL: Give A Little Get A Little
GBTW: Get Back To Work
GF: Girl­friend
GFC: Going For Cof­fee
GFETE: Grin­ning From Ear To Ear
GFI: Go For It
GFN: Gone For Now
GFTD: Gone For The Day
GL: Good Luck
GM: Good Morn­ing
GMAB: Give Me A Break
GMTA: Great Minds Think Alike
GR8: Great
GRA: Go Right Ahead
GTG: Got To Go
GTM: Giggle To Myself
GTRM: Going To Read Mail
GW: Good Work

H/O: Hold On
H/P: Hold Please
HB: Hurry Back
HIH: Hope It Helps
HIOOC: Help, I’m Out Of Cof­fee
HITAKS: Hang In There And Keep Smil­ing
HSIK: How Should I Know
HTH: Hope This (or That) Helps
HTNOTH: Hit The Nail On The Head

IAE: In Any Event
IANAC: I Am Not A Crook
IANADBIPOOTV: I Am Not A Doc­tor But I Play One On TV
IBIWISI: I’ll Believe It When I See It
IBT: In Between Tech­no­logy
IBTD: I Beg To Dif­fer
IC: I See
ICBW: I Could Be Wrong
IDC: I Don’t Care
IDK: I Don’t Know
IGTP: I Get The Point
IHA: I Hate Acronyms
IIRC: If I Recall Cor­rectly
ILA: I Love Acronyms
IM: Instant Mes­saging
IMAO: In My Arrog­ant Opin­ion
IMHEIUO: In My High Exal­ted Informed Unas­sail­able Opin­ion
IMHO: In My Humble Opin­ion
IMNERHO: In My Never Even Remotely Humble Opin­ion
IMS: I Am Sorry
IOW: In Other Words
ISTR: I Seem To Remem­ber
ISWYM: I See What You Mean
IYO: In Your Opinion

J/C: Just Check­ing
J/J: Just Jok­ing
J/K: Just Kid­ding
J/P: Just Play­ing
J/W: Just Won­der­ing
J2LYK: Just To Let You Know
JAS: Just A Second
JIC: Just In Case
JTFO: Jog The Fuck On

K: Okay
KEWL: Cool
KIS: Keep It Simple
KISS: Keep It Simple Stu­pid
KMP: Keep Me Posted

L8R: Later
LMAO: Laugh­ing My Ass Off
LMK: Let Me Know
LMTCB: Left Mes­sage To Call Back
LMFAO: Laugh­ing My Fuck­ing Ass Off
LOL: Laugh­ing Out Loud –or– Lots of Luck (or Love)
LONH: Lights On, Nobody Home
LOPSOD: Long On Prom­ises, Short On Deliv­ery
LQTM: Laugh­ing Quietly To Myself
LWR: Launch When Ready

M4C: Meet for Cof­fee
MIA: Miss­ing In Action
MOMPL: One Moment Please
M or F: Male or Female
MSG: Mes­sage
MTCW: My Two Cents Worth
MTF: More To Fol­low
MTFBWY: May The Force Be With You
MYOB: Mind Your Own Business

N/A: Not Applic­able
N/M: Noth­ing Much
N2M: Not Too Much
NBD: No Big Deal
NE: Any
NE1: Any­one
NIMJD: Not In My Job Descrip­tion
NMH: Not Much Here
NOYB: None Of Your Busi­ness
NP: No Prob­lem
NRN: No Reply Neces­sary
NVM: Never mind
NWR: Not Work Related
NYC: Not Your Concern

OBTW: Oh By The Way
OH: Off Hand
OIC: Oh, I See
OMG: Oh My Gosh
OMIK: Open Mouth, Insert Key­board
OOC: Out Of Con­trol
ORLY: Oh Really?
OTL: Out To Lunch
OTOH: On The Other Hand
OTP: On The Phone

P&C: Private and Con­fid­en­tial
PLS: Please
PM: Per­sonal Mes­sage –or– Private Mes­sage
PMSL: Piss­ing Myself Laugh­ing
POC: Point Of Con­tact
POV: Point of View
PPL: People
PS: Post Script
PU: That Stinks

QQ: Quick Question

R&D: Research & Devel­op­ment
R&R: Rest & Relax­a­tion
RN: Right Now
ROFL/ROTF: Rolling On The Floor Laugh­ing
RSN: Real Soon Now
RTK: Return To Key­board
RU: Are You
RUOK: Are You Okay?

SFX: Sound Effects
SIT: Stay In Touch
SITD: Still In The Dark
SLAP: Sounds Like A Plan
SMOP: Small Mat­ter Of Pro­gram­ming
SOB: Son Of a Bitch
SOBT: Stressed Out Big-time
SOP: Stand­ard Oper­at­ing Pro­ced­ure
SOT: Short On Time
SOW: Speak­ing Of Which
STD: Seal The Deal
STFU: Shut The Fuck Up
SUL: Snooze You Lose
SUP: What’s Up
SWIM: See What I Mean
SWIS: See What I’m Say­ing
SYS: See You Soon

T@YL: Talk at You Later
TA: Thanks Again
TAFN: That’s All For Now
TBC: To Be Con­tin­ued
TBH: To Be Hon­est
TC: Take Care
TFX: Traffic
TGIF: Thank God It’s Fri­day
THX or TX or THKS: Thanks
TIA: Thanks In Advance
TIC: Tongue In Cheek
TMI: Too Much Inform­a­tion
TMK: To My Know­ledge
TNA: Tem­por­ar­ily Not Avail­able
TNT: Til Next Time
TOBG: This Oughta Be Good
TOM: Tomor­row
TPTB: The Powers That Be
TTFN :Ta Ta For Now
TTYL: Talk To You Later
TY: Thank You
TYVM: Thank You Very Much

U: You
U2: You Too
UN: User Name
UOK: Are You OK?
UPOD: Under Prom­ise Over Deliver
UR: You Are

VFM: Value For Money
VI: Vil­lage Idiot
VM: Voice Mail

W/O: Without
WAD: Without A Doubt
WAEF: When All Else Fails
WAYD: What Are You Doing?
WB: Wel­come Back –or– Write Back
WBS: Write Back Soon
W/E: Whatever
WFM: Works For Me
WIIFM: What’s In It For Me
WIP: Work In Pro­cess
WKF: Well Known Fact
WTG: Way To Go
WTTTM: Without Think­ing Too Much
WU: What’s Up
WYSIWYG: What You See Is What You Get

YBS: You’ll Be Sorry
YGLT: You’re Gonna Love This
YGTI: You Get The Idea
YHM: You Have Mail
YIU: Yes, I Under­stand
YKWIM: You Know What I Mean
YOYO: You’re On Your Own
YW: You’re Wel­come
YWIA: You’re Wel­come In Advance

ZZZ: Sleep­ing, Bored, Tired

@TEOTD: At The End Of The Day
14AA41: One for All and All for One (in case you’re a Mus­ket­eer)
2G2BT: Too Good To Be True
2NITE: Tonight
404: I Haven’t A Clue
411: Info/Data
4ever: Forever

So, I’ve recently decided that my port­fo­lio web­site is in ser­i­ous need of a redesign, and see­ing as I’ve got a rel­at­ively quiet week com­ing up, I figured now was as good a time as any to get star­ted with it.

First, the decisions:

Should I con­tinue to use ModX? Should I use Word­press? Should I try some­thing com­pletely different?

In the end, I decided that ModX was still the way to go, due to my famili­ar­ity with it, and the fact that it IS per­fectly suited for that sort of thing. Couple that with the fact that they’ve recently released the updated ver­sion (finally), and I figured that was the best way to go.

Second, the ‘aesthetics’:

What do I want the site to look like? What col­ours do I want to use? What sort of lay­out to go for?

I decided that I would stick with the 2 column lay­out, but incor­por­ate a hori­zontal nav­ig­a­tion bar, with the sub-navigation in a ver­tical list where the main nav­ig­a­tion cur­rently is.

The logo will remain obvi­ously, but everything else on the site will be given a com­plete over­haul. Col­our wise, I’m still going with blacks, greys etc, as I hap­pen to like them, and they suit me. How­ever there will be changes.

• Cus­tom bul­lets for any lists – Yep. 
• Cus­tom Twit­ter feed icon(s) – Yep. 
• Cus­tom RSS icon(s) – Yep. 
• Annoy­ing flashy effects – Nope. 
• Use­less fea­tures – Nope. 

Watch this space for updates.