Scott Sampson

In the con­tinu­ing vein of odd and ran­dom posts, here’s a col­lec­tion of “altern­at­ive” nurs­ery rhymes.

Old mother Hub­bard, went to the cup­board, to fetch her poor doggy a bone.
When she bent down, the doggy came round, and gave her a bone of his own

Old mother Hub­bard, went to the cup­board to get a bone for her big doggy Fred.
When she got there, the cup­board was bare, so he ate mother Hub­bard instead

Little Miss Muf­fet sat on a tuf­fet, her knick­ers all tattered and torn.
It wasn’t the spider that sat down beside her, it was little boy blue with the horn!

Little Miss Muf­fet sat on a tuf­fet, her legs spread invit­ingly apart.
Along came a spider, who crawled up inside her, and got poisoned to death by a fart.

Georgey Porgey, pud­ding and pie, kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play, he kissed them too cos he was gay.

Little Bo Peep has lost all her sheep, no won­der the poor chick looks wor­ried.
They’ve all wandered in to a take away joint, and the owner’s just had them all curried!

Jack and jill went up the hill,
to smoke some marajuana,
jack got high,
pulled down his fly,
and asked jill if she wanna.
jill said yes,
pulled up her dress,
and had a little fun,
but stu­pid jill,
for­got the pill,
and now they have a son.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water;
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tum­bling after.
Jill sued Jack and Jack sued back,
The judge is going to fine her;
Now the pail’s been sent to jail
For abandon­ing a minor.
We’ll sue Jack and he’ll sue Jill,
The hill is suing for scan­dal;
The water says he’ll sue the press –
And everyone’s suing the handle.

Mary had a little lamb, it’s fleece was black as char­coal.
Every time the wind blew hard, it whistled up it’s arsehole

Mary had a little lamb, she took it to a wed­ding.
She put it up against the wall, and kicked it’s fuck­ing head in.

Mary had a little lamb, but her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her, between to slices of bread.

Mary had a motor­bike, she rode it on the grass.
Every time the wheel went round, the spokes went up her arse.

Mary had a motor­bike, she rode it back to front.
Every time the wheel went round, the spokes.… dug in her leg

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs
Mary had another skirt
’twas split right up the front
…but she didn’t wear that one very often

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Dis­ease
And now it’s black and crispy.

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The struc­ture of the wall was incor­rect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bed­side clock..
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of elec­tric shock.

It’s Rain­ing, It’s Pour­ing.
Oh shit, it’s Global Warming.

Mary Mary, quite con­trary, how does your garden grow?
“Like every­one else’s you cunt, fuck off!”

Hick­ory Dick­ory Dock, the mouse ran up the clock. The clock struck one, BONG, and knocked the fuck­ing mouses head off!

Anti-Social Beha­viour Orders
To the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
ASBO, ASBO, little law,
How we won­der what you’re for,
Chavs and yobs who love to fight
Ter­ror­ise us every night.
Tooth­less, use­less, little law,
How we won­der what you’re for.
On the streets with hoods and knives,
How they ter­ror­ise our lives,
Though they all should be in bed,
All you do is boost their cred.
ASBO, ASBO, can’t you see
You are an access­ory.
ASBO, ASBO, little law,
How we won­der what you’re for,
Words will never rule the street,
We need cop­pers on the beat.
Tooth­less, use­less, little law,
How we won­der what you’re for