Scott Sampson

Check your email addresses!

A Min­neapolis couple decided to go to Flor­ida to thaw out dur­ing a par­tic­u­larly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their hon­ey­moon 20 years earlier.
Because of hec­tic sched­ules, it was dif­fi­cult to coordin­ate their travel plans.…
So, the hus­band left Min­nesota and flew to Flor­ida on Thursday, with his wife fly­ing down the fol­low­ing day.
The hus­band checked into the hotel.
There was a com­puter in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
How­ever, he acci­dent­ally left out one let­ter in her email address, and without real­iz­ing his error, sent the email.
Mean­while, some­where in Hou­s­ton, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral.
He was a min­is­ter who was called home to glory fol­low­ing a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expect­ing mes­sages from rel­at­ives and friends.
After read­ing the first mes­sage, she screamed and fain­ted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the com­puter screen which read:

To: My lov­ing wife

Sub­ject: I’ve arrived Date: May 9^th, 2005

I know you’re sur­prised to hear from me. They have com­puters here

now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been pre­pared for your arrival tomor­row. Look­ing for­ward to see­ing you then.

Hope your jour­ney is as unevent­ful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freak­ing hot down here!!!!!

Revenge!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women dif­fer so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:…

One even­ing last week, my girl­friend and I were get­ting into bed.

Well, the pas­sion starts to heat up, and she even­tu­ally says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said, “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boy­friend on the planet dreads to hear…

“You’re just not in touch with my emo­tional needs as a woman enough for me to sat­isfy your phys­ical needs as a man.”

She respon­ded to my puzzled look by say­ing, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Real­iz­ing that noth­ing was going to hap­pen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shop­ping at a big, big unnamed depart­ment store. I walked around with her while she tried on sev­eral dif­fer­ent very expens­ive outfits.

She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to com­pli­ment her new clothes, so I said, “Lets get a pair for each outfit.”

We went on to the jew­ellery depart­ment where she picked out a pair of dia­mond earrings.

Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I star­ted to think she was test­ing me because she asked for a ten­nis brace­let when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”

She was almost near­ing sexual sat­is­fac­tion from all of the excitement.

Smil­ing with excited anti­cip­a­tion, she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly con­tain myself when I blur­ted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face just went com­pletely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT?”

I then said, “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my fin­an­cial needs as a man enough for me to sat­isfy your shop­ping needs as a woman.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Appar­ently I’m not hav­ing sex tonight either.… but at least she knows I’m smarter than her.

Dear John…

A Mar­ine sta­tioned in Afgh­anistan recently received a “Dear John” let­ter from his girl­friend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,…

I can no longer con­tinue our rela­tion­ship. The dis­tance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the pic­ture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky

The Mar­ine, with hurt feel­ings, asked his fel­low Mar­ines for any snap­shots they could spare of their girl­friends, sis­ters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cous­ins etc. In addi­tion to the pic­ture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pic­tures of the pretty girls he had col­lec­ted from his buddies.

There were 57 pho­tos in that envelope.…along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I’m so sorry, but I can’t quite remem­ber who you are. Please take your pic­ture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky 

Inter­est­ing family…

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bar­tender, “Give me six double vodka.”
The bar­man says, “Wow! you must have had very bad day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.…
When the bar­tender asked what the prob­lem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vod­kas.
The bar­tender said, “What the hell? Doesn’t any­body in your fam­ily like women?”

“Yes, my wife…”

Aus­tralian Ventriloquist

An Aus­tralian vent­ri­lo­quist vis­it­ing New Zea­l­and, walks into the vil­lage and sees a local sit­ting on his porch pat­ting his dog. He fig­ures he’ll have a little fun.

Vent­ri­lo­quist: “G’day Mate! Good look­ing dog, mind if I speak to him?”

Vil­la­ger: “The dog doesn’t talk, you stu­pid Aussie.”… 

Vent­ri­lo­quist: “Hello dog, how’s it going mate?”

Dog: “Doin’ all right.”

Vil­la­ger: (look of extreme shock)

Vent­ri­lo­quist: “Is this vil­la­ger your owner?” (point­ing at the villager)

Dog: “Yes”

Vent­ri­lo­quist: “How does he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Vil­la­ger: (look of utter disbelief)

Vent­ri­lo­quist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Vil­la­ger: “Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either….I think.”

Vent­ri­lo­quist: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”

Horse: “Cool”

Vil­la­ger: (abso­lutely dumbfounded)

Vent­ri­lo­quist: “Is this your owner?” (point­ing at the villager)

Horse: “Yep”

Vent­ri­lo­quist: “How does he treat you?”

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for ask­ing. He rides me reg­u­larly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to pro­tect me from the elements.”

Vil­la­ger: (total look of amazement)

Vent­ri­lo­quist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Vil­la­ger: “The sheep’s a liar!” 

T.G.I.F

A busi­ness man got on an elev­ator in a build­ing. When he entered the elev­ator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by say­ing, “T-G-I-F.”

He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T.”

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, “T-G-I-F” again.…

He acknow­ledged her remark again by answer­ing, “S-H-I-T.”

The blond was try­ing to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as pos­sibly “T-G-I-F” another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quiz­zical expres­sion, “S-H-I-T.”

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, “T-G-I-F, Thank Good­ness It’s Fri­day, get it?”

The man answered, “Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.”

Bit of a situation…

The doc­tor says to a man “I’m sorry, sir, but the test res­ults have come back a tad incon­clus­ive. Your wife could have either AIDs or Alzheimer’s. We’re not sure which”.

The man replies, “Oh my God! That’s awful! What should I do?”

The doc­tor says, “Take her down into the city centre and leave her there. If she finds her way back, don’t fuck her!”… See more

The Genie

A couple was golf­ing one day on a very, very exclus­ive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.

On the third tee, the hus­band said, “Honey, be very care­ful when you drive the ball. Don’t knock out any win­dows. It’ll cost us a for­tune to fix.”

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the win­dow of the biggest house on the course. … 

The hus­band cringed and said, “I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let’s go up there, apo­lo­gize, and see how much this is going to cost.”

They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, “Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, “Are you the people who broke my window?”

“Uh, yeah. Sorry about that,” the hus­band replied.

“No, actu­ally, I want to thank you. I’m a genie who was trapped for a thou­sand years inside that bottle. You’ve released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes — I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.”

“Okay, great!” the hus­band said. “I want a mil­lion dol­lars a year for the rest of my life.”

“No prob­lem — it’s the least I could do. And you, what do you want?” the genie said, look­ing at the wife.

“I want a house in every coun­try of the world,” she said.

“Con­sider it done,” the genie replied.

“And what’s your wish, genie?”, the hus­band said.

“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex with a woman in a thou­sand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”

The hus­band looked at the wife and said, “Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don’t care.”

The genie took the wife upstairs and rav­ished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, “How old is your hus­band, anyway?”

“Thirty-five,” she replied.

“And he still believes in genies? … That’s amazing.”

O.A.P Sex

Two old pen­sion­ers are tak­ing a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sit­ting at a café, the little old man says, “Remem­ber the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind.”

“Why, yes, I remem­ber it well, dear,” replies the little old lady with a grin. … 

“Well, for old time’s sake, let’s go there again. and I’ll give you one from behind.”

The two pen­sion­ers pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sit­ting next to them has over­heard the con­ver­sa­tion and smiles to him­self, think­ing it would be quite amus­ing to see two old pen­sion­ers at it. He gets up and fol­lows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pen­sion­ers near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knick­ers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady’s hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what fol­lows is 40 minutes of the most ath­letic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phe­nom­enal. Limbs are fly­ing every­where, the move­ment is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they col­lapse and don’t move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen any­thing that equates to this — not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflect­ing on what he has just seen, he says to him­self, “I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years’ time!”

The two old pen­sion­ers have by this time recovered and dressed them­selves. Pluck­ing up cour­age, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, “Sir, in all my life I have never seen any­body shag like that, par­tic­u­larly at your age. What’s your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?”

The pen­sioner replies, “Son, 50 years ago, that fuck­ing fence wasn’t electrified.”

Gum Job?

A young teen­aged girl was a pros­ti­tute and, for obvi­ous reas­ons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arres­ted a group of pros­ti­tutes, includ­ing the young girl. The pros­ti­tutes were instruc­ted to line up in a straight line on the side­walk. Well, who should be walk­ing in the neigh­bor­hood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young grand­daugh­ter and asked curi­ously, “What are you lin­ing up for, dear?” Not will­ing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lin­ing up for some.

“Mmm, sounds lovely,” said Grandma. “I think I’ll have some myself,” she con­tin­ued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, ques­tion­ing all of the pros­ti­tutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. “But you’re so old… how do you do it?”… 

Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s quite easy, sonny… I just remove my den­tures and suck ‘em dry!”

Feel a little prick…

Little Mary was not the best stu­dent in Sunday School. Usu­ally she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was nap­ping, ”Tell me, Mary, who cre­ated the uni­verse?” When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altru­istic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ”God Almighty !” shouted … See more­Mary and the teacher said, ”Very good” and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ”Who is our Lord and Savior?” But Mary didn’t even stir from her slum­ber. Once again, Johnny came to the res­cue and stuck her again. ”Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, ”Very good,” and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third ques­tion, ”What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ”If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!” The Teacher fainted.

The vir­gin brides…

A Mother had three vir­gin daugh­ters. They were all get­ting mar­ried, and mom was a bit wor­ried about how their sex life would get star­ted. She made them all prom­ise to send a post­card from the hon­ey­moon with a few words on how mar­ital sex was going.

The first daugh­ter sent a card from her hon­ey­moon in Hawaii two days after the wed­ding. The card said noth­ing but “Nes­cafe”. At first mom was puzzled, but she went to the kit­chen and got out the Nes­cafe jar. It said: “Good til the last drop.” Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent her card from Ver­mont a week after the wed­ding. The card said only: “Ben­son & Hedges”. Mom went to the drawer where her hus­band kept his cigar­ettes, and she read from the Ben­son & Hedges pack: “Extra Long. King Size”. Again mom was slightly embar­rassed, but she was happy for her daughter.… 

The third girl left for her hon­ey­moon in the Carib­bean. Mom waited for a week, noth­ing. Another week went by and still noth­ing. Mom star­ted to get really wor­ried. Then after a month, the card finally arrived. Writ­ten on it with shaky hand writ­ing were the words “Brit­ish Airways”.

Mom took out her latest Harp­ers Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fear­ing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said: “Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.”

Mom fain­ted .… 

Bad Memory…

Two eld­erly couples were enjoy­ing friendly con­ver­sa­tion when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”

“Out­stand­ing,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psy­cho­lo­gical tech­niques — visu­al­iz­a­tion, asso­ci­ation — it’s made a big dif­fer­ence for me.”

“That’s great! What… was the name of that clinic?“
Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn’t remem­ber. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?”

“You mean a tulip?”

“No. The one with thorns on it.“
“A Rose ?“
“Yes, that’s it!” He turned to his wife. “Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic I went to ?”

Con­doms

Father and son in super­mar­ket.
“Dad. what are these?”

“That’s a 3 pack of con­doms son for sec­ond­ary school lads.
1 for fri­day night, 1 for sat­urday night and 1 for sunday night”

“What about the 6 pack dad?”

“Those are for uni­ver­sity lads.

2 for fri­day night, 2 for sat­urday night and 2 for sunday night.”

“Well dad. What about the 12 pack then?”

“Mar­ried men son.… 1 for janu­ary, 1 for feb­ru­ary, 1 for march .…

Who said dogs are dumb?

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faith­ful pet dog along for com­pany. One day the dog starts chas­ing but­ter­flies and before long he dis­cov­ers that he is lost. So, wan­der­ing about he notices a leo­pard head­ing rap­idly in his dir­ec­tion with the obvi­ous inten­tion of hav­ing lunch.
The dog thinks, “Boyo, I’m in deep s**t .” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and imme­di­ately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approach­ing cat.

Just as the leo­pard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, “Man, that was one deli­cious leo­pard. I won­der if there are any more around here?”

Hear­ing this the leo­pard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of ter­ror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew”, says the leo­pard. “That was close. That dog nearly had me.”

Mean­while, a mon­key who had been watch­ing the whole scene from a nearby tree, fig­ures he can put this know­ledge to good use and trade it for pro­tec­tion from the leo­pard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him head­ing after the leo­pard with great speed, and figured that some­thing must be up.

The mon­key soon catches up with the leo­pard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for him­self with the leo­pard. The cat is furi­ous at being made a fool of and says, “Here mon­key, hop on my back and see what’s going to hap­pen to that con­niv­ing canine.”

Now the dog sees the leo­pard com­ing with the mon­key on his back, and thinks,” What am I going to do now?” But instead of run­ning, the dog sits down with his back to his attack­ers pre­tend­ing he hasn’t seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, “Where’s that mon­key. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leo­pard, and he’s still not back!!”

Law­yers…

An old man lying on his deathbed sum­mond his doc­tor, law­yer and his priest. He handed each of them an envel­ope con­tain­ing $30,000. “Gen­tle­men, they say you can’t take it with you but I am going to try. When they lower my cas­ket into the ground I want each of you to toss in the envel­ope I gave you.“
After the funeral the doc­tor con­fessed to the other two “We needed money to build a new clinic, so I kept $20,000 and only threw in $10,000.” The Priest also con­fessed “We needed renov­a­tions at the the church so I kept $10,000 and only threw in $20,000.“
The law­yer shook his head in dis­gust. “Gen­tle­men I am ashamed of you…I threw in a cheque for the full amount”

Pizza?

A col­lege stu­dent was deliv­er­ing pizza to a reg­u­lar customer”s house in New York. The guy who answered the door asked him, “What is the usual tip?”

“Well,” replied the youth,“this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I”ll be doing great.”

“Is that so?” snorted the man. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here”s five dollars.”

“Thanks!” replied the youth, “I”ll put this in my school fund.”

“What are you study­ing?” asked the man.

The lad smiled and said: “Applied psychology.”

Sus­pi­cious Minds…

Some­times women are overly sus­pi­cious of their hus­bands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
“You’re run­ning around with other women,” she charged.
“You’re being unreas­on­able,” Adam respon­ded. “You’re the only woman on earth.“
The quar­rel con­tin­ued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone pok­ing him in the chest. It was Eve.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam deman­ded.
“Count­ing your ribs!”

Pay­ment…

A hus­band is watch­ing footie when his wife inter­rupts, “Honey, the hall­way light has been flick­er­ing for weeks. Can you fix it?”

He angrily looks at her and says, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E Logo prin­ted on my fore­head? I don’t think so!”

“Well, what about the fridge door. It doesn’t close right” 

“Fix the Fridge Door??? Does it look like I have West­ing­house writ­ten on my fore­head? I don’t think so!”

“Ok”, she says, “then you could at least fix the front door steps. They’re about to break.”

“I ain’t no damn Car­penter and I don’t wanna fix any steps,” he says. “Does it look like I’ve got ACE hard­ware writ­ten on my fore­head? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough. I’m off to the bar!”

After a couple of hours at the local, he feels guilty and decides to go home and make up with his wife. As he walks up to the house he notice the steps are fixed. As he goes into the house he sess the hall light is work­ing, and as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.”

“Darling, how’d you get all this fixed?”

She replies: “Well, after you left I was sit­ting out­side cry­ing when a nice young man asked what was wrong. I told him, he offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was to either bake a cake or go to bed with him.”

He said, “So, what kind of cake did you bake him?”

She replied, “Helllllloooooo.……Do you see Betty Crocker writ­ten on my forehead?”

Magic Mir­ror

There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.

If you told a lie it would suck you in.

One day a bru­nette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mir­ror and said ‘I think I’m the most beau­ti­ful woman in the world’ and it sucked her in. 

The next day a red­head walked into the bar. She walked up to the mir­ror and said ‘I think I’m the most beau­ti­ful woman in the world’ and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mir­ror and said ‘I think…’ and it sucked her in. 

Women can be devious…

A woman and a man get into a car acci­dent, and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demol­ished, but amaz­ingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man. That’s inter­est­ing. I’m a woman… Wow! Just look at our cars. There’s noth­ing left, but for­tu­nately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”

The man replied,” I agree with you com­pletely; this must be a sign from God!”

The woman con­tin­ued, “And look at this — here’s another mir­acle. My car is com­pletely demol­ished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and cel­eb­rate our good for­tune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agree­ment, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hand­ing it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, imme­di­ately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you hav­ing any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I will just wait for the police…”

Damn Kids…

A woman and her lover are in the house while the hus­band is at work. Her nine year old son comes in, and after see­ing them mak­ing love he hides in the ward­robe and watches them. All of a sud­den the hus­band comes. Wife hides her lover in the ward­robe, without know­ing that her son is in there. Boy:
– It’s dark here.
– Yes it is.
– I’ve got a soc­cer ball.
– That’s nice.… See more
– Do you want to buy it?
– No, thanks.
– My dad is out­side.
– Ok, how much?
– 250 dol­lars.
After a few weeks man and boy run into each other again in the ward­robe. Boy:
– It’s dark here.
– Yes it is.
– I’ve got a soc­cer cleats.
Remem­ber­ing what happened last time, man asks:
– How much?
– 750 dol­lars.
– Ok.
After few days, father says to his son:
– Lets go and play soc­cer.
– I can’t, I sold the ball and the cleats.
– How much did you get?
– 1000 dol­lars.
– That is ter­rible, how could you ask so much money.… that’s much more than they are worth. That’s a sin, so you should go to the church and con­fess.
Father takes his son to the church con­fes­sional. Boy gets in, closes the door and says:
– It’s dark here.
Priest:
– Don’t start with that shit again!!!

Most import­ant man…

The Pope was on his way to open a new cathed­ral in Manchester; the limo driver was tak­ing it easy and the Pope was get­ting con­cerned about the time, so he decided they should switch seats. With the driver now in the back and the Pope behind the wheel his holi­ness puts his foot down.

Two Motor­cycle cops see this Limo zoom past and instantly go in pur­suit, the first Police­man rides past the tin­ted win­dows up to the pas­sen­ger win­dow, he looks in and slams his brakes on.
The limo car­ries on speed­ing away.

“Fuck me, I nearly pulled over the most import­ant man in the world!” The first cop said over the radio.
“Who was it?” asked the second cop.
To which the first cop replied; “I dunno, but the Pope was driv­ing him!“ 

Find God?

A drunk stumbles along a Bap­tis­mal ser­vice on a Sunday after­noon
down by the river. He pro­ceeds to stumble down into the water and
stands next to the Minister.

The Min­is­ter turns, notices the old drunk and says, “Mis­ter, are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk looks back and says, “Yes sir, I am.”

The Min­is­ter then dunks the fel­low under the water and pulls him
right back up.

“Have you found Jesus?” the Min­is­ter asked.

“No, I didn’t!” said the drunk.

The Min­is­ter then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings
him up and says, “Now brother, have you found Jesus?”

“No, I did not!” said the drunk again.

Dis­gus­ted, the Min­is­ter holds the man under for at least 30
seconds this time, brings him up and demands, “For the grace of
God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??”

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, “Are you sure this is
where he fell in?”

The Hair-dryer…

A dis­tin­guished young woman on a flight from Ire­land asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course child. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expens­ive woman’s elec­tronic hair dryer for my Mother’s birth­day that is unopened and well over the Cus­toms lim­its, and I’m afraid they’ll con­fis­cate it. Is there any way you could carry it through cus­toms for me? Under your robes perhaps?” 

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your hon­est face, Father, no one will ques­tion you.”

When they got to Cus­toms, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The offi­cial asked, “Father, do you have any­thing to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have noth­ing to declare.”

The offi­cial thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a mar­velous instru­ment designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roar­ing with laughter, the offi­cial said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”

Magic Apples?

A young fel­low ran into an old man who was car­ring a bag.

“What’s in the bag?” the young­ster asked.

“magic apples”, the old man replied.

“Prove it”, said the young man.

“Well, besides apples, what is your favor­ite two fruits?” asked the old man.

“Water­melon and peaches”, he answered.

The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a water­melon. “Ok, turn it over”, he said.

The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.

The young­ster still wasn’t con­vinced that they were magic.

The old fel­low told him to name some­thing else that he liked to eat.

“I like to eat pussy.” he snapped.

The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.

He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, “That tasted like shit”.

The old man looked at him, smiled and said, “Turn it over.”

Kid­nap?

A blonde is out of money and (after buy­ing air at a real bar­gain) needed money des­per­ately. To get some cash, she decided to kid­nap a kid and hold him for ransom just like in Hol­ly­wood movies.

She went to a play­ground, grabbed a kid ran­domly, and told the kid, “I’ve kid­napped you.” She then wrote a big note say­ing, “I’ve kid­napped your kid. Tomor­row morn­ing, put $10,000 in a bag and leave it under the mango tree next to the play­ground. Signed, A naughty blonde.”

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his par­ents. The next morn­ing, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sit­ting beneath the mango tree.

The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fel­low blonde?”