Scott Sampson

Check your email addresses!

A Min­neapolis couple decided to go to Flor­ida to thaw out dur­ing a par­tic­u­larly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their hon­ey­moon 20 years earlier.
Because of hec­tic sched­ules, it was dif­fi­cult to coordin­ate their travel plans.…
So, the hus­band left Min­nesota and flew to Flor­ida on Thursday, with his wife fly­ing down the fol­low­ing day.
The hus­band checked into the hotel.
There was a com­puter in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
How­ever, he acci­dent­ally left out one let­ter in her email address, and without real­iz­ing his error, sent the email.
Mean­while, some­where in Hou­s­ton, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral.
He was a min­is­ter who was called home to glory fol­low­ing a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expect­ing mes­sages from rel­at­ives and friends.
After read­ing the first mes­sage, she screamed and fain­ted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the com­puter screen which read:

To: My lov­ing wife

Sub­ject: I’ve arrived Date: May 9^th, 2005

I know you’re sur­prised to hear from me. They have com­puters here

now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been pre­pared for your arrival tomor­row. Look­ing for­ward to see­ing you then.

Hope your jour­ney is as unevent­ful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freak­ing hot down here!!!!!

Revenge!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women dif­fer so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:…

One even­ing last week, my girl­friend and I were get­ting into bed.

Well, the pas­sion starts to heat up, and she even­tu­ally says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said, “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boy­friend on the planet dreads to hear…

“You’re just not in touch with my emo­tional needs as a woman enough for me to sat­isfy your phys­ical needs as a man.”

She respon­ded to my puzzled look by say­ing, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Real­iz­ing that noth­ing was going to hap­pen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shop­ping at a big, big unnamed depart­ment store. I walked around with her while she tried on sev­eral dif­fer­ent very expens­ive outfits.

She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to com­pli­ment her new clothes, so I said, “Lets get a pair for each outfit.”

We went on to the jew­ellery depart­ment where she picked out a pair of dia­mond earrings.

Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I star­ted to think she was test­ing me because she asked for a ten­nis brace­let when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”

She was almost near­ing sexual sat­is­fac­tion from all of the excitement.

Smil­ing with excited anti­cip­a­tion, she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly con­tain myself when I blur­ted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face just went com­pletely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT?”

I then said, “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my fin­an­cial needs as a man enough for me to sat­isfy your shop­ping needs as a woman.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Appar­ently I’m not hav­ing sex tonight either.… but at least she knows I’m smarter than her.

Dear John…

A Mar­ine sta­tioned in Afgh­anistan recently received a “Dear John” let­ter from his girl­friend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,…

I can no longer con­tinue our rela­tion­ship. The dis­tance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the pic­ture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky

The Mar­ine, with hurt feel­ings, asked his fel­low Mar­ines for any snap­shots they could spare of their girl­friends, sis­ters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cous­ins etc. In addi­tion to the pic­ture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pic­tures of the pretty girls he had col­lec­ted from his buddies.

There were 57 pho­tos in that envelope.…along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I’m so sorry, but I can’t quite remem­ber who you are. Please take your pic­ture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky