2010
Pizza?
A college student was delivering pizza to a regular customer”s house in New York. The guy who answered the door asked him, “What is the usual tip?”
“Well,” replied the youth,“this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I”ll be doing great.”
“Is that so?” snorted the man. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here”s five dollars.”
“Thanks!” replied the youth, “I”ll put this in my school fund.”
“What are you studying?” asked the man.
The lad smiled and said: “Applied psychology.”
Suspicious Minds…
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
“You’re running around with other women,” she charged.
“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.“
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.
“Counting your ribs!”
Payment…
A husband is watching footie when his wife interrupts, “Honey, the hallway light has been flickering for weeks. Can you fix it?”
He angrily looks at her and says, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E Logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so!”
“Well, what about the fridge door. It doesn’t close right”
“Fix the Fridge Door??? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so!”
“Ok”, she says, “then you could at least fix the front door steps. They’re about to break.”
“I ain’t no damn Carpenter and I don’t wanna fix any steps,” he says. “Does it look like I’ve got ACE hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough. I’m off to the bar!”
After a couple of hours at the local, he feels guilty and decides to go home and make up with his wife. As he walks up to the house he notice the steps are fixed. As he goes into the house he sess the hall light is working, and as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.”
“Darling, how’d you get all this fixed?”
She replies: “Well, after you left I was sitting outside crying when a nice young man asked what was wrong. I told him, he offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was to either bake a cake or go to bed with him.”
He said, “So, what kind of cake did you bake him?”
She replied, “Helllllloooooo.……Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?”
Magic Mirror
There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.
If you told a lie it would suck you in.
One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said ‘I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world’ and it sucked her in.
The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said ‘I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world’ and it sucked her in.
Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said ‘I think…’ and it sucked her in.
Women can be devious…
A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman… Wow! Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”
The man replied,” I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!”
The woman continued, “And look at this — here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No. I think I will just wait for the police…”
Damn Kids…
A woman and her lover are in the house while the husband is at work. Her nine year old son comes in, and after seeing them making love he hides in the wardrobe and watches them. All of a sudden the husband comes. Wife hides her lover in the wardrobe, without knowing that her son is in there. Boy:
– It’s dark here.
– Yes it is.
– I’ve got a soccer ball.
– That’s nice.… See more
– Do you want to buy it?
– No, thanks.
– My dad is outside.
– Ok, how much?
– 250 dollars.
After a few weeks man and boy run into each other again in the wardrobe. Boy:
– It’s dark here.
– Yes it is.
– I’ve got a soccer cleats.
Remembering what happened last time, man asks:
– How much?
– 750 dollars.
– Ok.
After few days, father says to his son:
– Lets go and play soccer.
– I can’t, I sold the ball and the cleats.
– How much did you get?
– 1000 dollars.
– That is terrible, how could you ask so much money.… that’s much more than they are worth. That’s a sin, so you should go to the church and confess.
Father takes his son to the church confessional. Boy gets in, closes the door and says:
– It’s dark here.
Priest:
– Don’t start with that shit again!!!
Most important man…
The Pope was on his way to open a new cathedral in Manchester; the limo driver was taking it easy and the Pope was getting concerned about the time, so he decided they should switch seats. With the driver now in the back and the Pope behind the wheel his holiness puts his foot down.
Two Motorcycle cops see this Limo zoom past and instantly go in pursuit, the first Policeman rides past the tinted windows up to the passenger window, he looks in and slams his brakes on.
The limo carries on speeding away.
“Fuck me, I nearly pulled over the most important man in the world!” The first cop said over the radio.
“Who was it?” asked the second cop.
To which the first cop replied; “I dunno, but the Pope was driving him!“
Find God?
A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon
down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and
stands next to the Minister.
The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk looks back and says, “Yes sir, I am.”
The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him
right back up.
“Have you found Jesus?” the Minister asked.
“No, I didn’t!” said the drunk.
The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings
him up and says, “Now brother, have you found Jesus?”
“No, I did not!” said the drunk again.
Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30
seconds this time, brings him up and demands, “For the grace of
God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??”
The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, “Are you sure this is
where he fell in?”
The Hair-dryer…
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
“Of course child. What may I do for you?”
“Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”
“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”
Magic Apples?
A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.
“What’s in the bag?” the youngster asked.
“magic apples”, the old man replied.
“Prove it”, said the young man.
“Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?” asked the old man.
“Watermelon and peaches”, he answered.
The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. “Ok, turn it over”, he said.
The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.
The youngster still wasn’t convinced that they were magic.
The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.
“I like to eat pussy.” he snapped.
The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.
He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, “That tasted like shit”.
The old man looked at him, smiled and said, “Turn it over.”
Kidnap?
A blonde is out of money and (after buying air at a real bargain) needed money desperately. To get some cash, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom just like in Hollywood movies.
She went to a playground, grabbed a kid randomly, and told the kid, “I’ve kidnapped you.” She then wrote a big note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a bag and leave it under the mango tree next to the playground. Signed, A naughty blonde.”
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the mango tree.
The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”
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